Overwhelmed with Life and Parenting

I am at that place once again– the place where there is so much going on that I can hardly keep my thoughts together. I start to knock out something on the “to do” list but think about another problem or activity that needs my attention in the middle of accomplishing the first one. Sometimes that leads me to switch activities mid-stream. Or I realize I cannot accomplish Activity 1 without collecting information and making a decision about Activity 2 first, so I must switch activities even if I would choose not to. I can soon become overwhelmed.

My anxiety is creeping up– here are a few reasons why:

My life is full of details I would like to control, but clearly cannot. Some examples are my children, everybody’s health, my work, and the attitudes and behaviors of others. Just to give a few examples…

I want to make sure one daughter’s minor surgery goes well, and I’d like to fix the other daughter’s stomach aches. I would like the pets to live forever so nobody ever has to grieve over them. I am concerned how the puppy will do when we leave town, and that one daughter will be home alone on another trip. I wish both daughters would clean their spaces more. I wonder when my kids will begin to really fulfill their potential and if I am helping or hindering that process. I fret over how much to work and what to prioritize what I do. Sometimes I hardly know what to think, yet alone write in these blogs. Case in point–I have started three different blogs over the last few weeks and not completed one because I could not decide which was best to write. Because I’m a mom, I could always blog about worry and exhaustion, but that would get old– so I am writing about being “overwhelmed by life and parenting”–like that is any different:(.

If that was not enough to stir you your empathy, let me also tell you how frustrated I am about computer systems and their incessant updates. My neck is stiff, pet hair is on my chair, and I don’t spend enough time with friends. I have a tooth ache and a member of our family was in a minor car accident (I’ll not say who) so I’ve spent a lot of time with the State Farm family lately. Speaking of family, I do not call my mother nearly enough. I even worry that I do not worry about my husband because surely I am missing something there! Oh, I’ve got it– he is tired but still in the garage tonight using dangerous power equipment– that could be worthy of some tension.

Some days I feel completely ill-equipped to manage and move forward. Sometimes I just want to give up. But then I am ever so vaguely reminded of the blessings in my life and how God has done some really good things with my feeble efforts in the past. I also know I am not alone in my confusion over life’s predicaments. Life and parenting can be overwhelming, unpredictable, uncontrollable and incomprehensible for everyone at times. I have two bits of advice to give to myself (and maybe to you).

1. Go to bed tonight and look at those worries again tomorrow. No sense keeping them crammed into our minds all night as there will be new joys and challenges each day to keep us busy (Matthew 6:24).

2. Hand the worries over to the King of Kings, seek Him first (really first!)(Matthew 6:33) and “know that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us” (Ephesians 3:20).

I am so thankful that my children, my work, and all of the other little creatures and things under my care do not depend solely on my competence, understanding or power. As much as I try to keep it all together, the reality is that I can be so small and weak. Thank you, God for being so much bigger than me.

Okay, now I’ll go check on my husband in the garage…

Moms, Children and Mental Health

A mother’s mental health affects her child and a child’s mental health affects his/her mother. This comes to my mind because this past week was Mental Health Awareness Week– and on Sunday we celebrate Mother’s Day. These days of awareness are close together on the calendar and even more closely related in real life.

You may be aware of research indicating that children are more likely to be depressed if their mothers are depressed. There can be a genetic and/or an environmental link to this outcome. On the other hand, other studies indicate that mothers of children with neurobiological disorders are more likely to be depressed –especially if they feel responsible for the cause or outcome of their child’s disorder.

Neither of these findings is surprising. I think I have probably been on both sides of this situation–feeling depressed myself, which may have affected my children– and having sad or depressed children, which led to my own sadness.

I was a mom who also felt responsible for the outcome of my children in relationship to their compensating or overcoming the effects of mental health challenges. Today I want to write to encourage moms who feel this heavy weight of responsibility to either keep themselves or their child in a state of perfect mental health. Here are a few things I learned as a weight-lifting mother:

1. Know that it is okay to be human and to have strengths and weaknesses in your own neurological and emotional make-up. If you find yourself sinking into depression, anxiety or extreme irritability, seek professional help, but avoid feeling guilt for your genetic predisposition or unavoidable circumstances which contribute to depression. Talk to someone really rational and seek God’s help in overcoming this unneccessary guilt.

2. Stop the worry! Say this to yourself out loud! When you are tempted to worry over your own or your child’s mental health, remember that worry is terribly inefficient, unproductive, and leads to more mental stress. Instead, thank God for any good or hope in the situation and ask Him be the heavy lifter for the problems that you cannot solve.

3. Acknowledge that you cannot be the ultimate savior/fixer of your child’s mental health challenges. However, you can seek appropriate help, advocate, and walk along with your child through the hurt. The latter is especially important but overlooked in our solution-oriented society. Often just walking with someone in their pain is the best thing we can do. Do what you can and be content with your sincere best efforts, knowing that the final outcome is really not yours to determine.

Finally, mothers, enjoy your day! You were created to love and care for your children, but never intended to be their savior or their solver of every problem. That is God’s job and He does it well! As a young mother, it was hard for me to let God control what I never could control in the first place–but I hope you can find His peace and rest right now! (Matthew 10:28-30). Blessings to you!

Autism Awareness– The Parent Perspective

World Autism Awareness Day came around a few days ago, but we live this awareness at our house everyday. Our world has been full of autism-related things for about 20 years– and more and more families are facing this reality everyday (1 out of every 68 children and families, in fact). For those of you who are raising or love a child with autism, I want to shout out a few bits of truth and encouragement about the big picture of autism in your life:
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Facing Adversity with Confidence

Adversity is no stranger to most of us. If we live long enough, we will eventually meet it face to face. As you probably know, most people who read this blog are parents of children with social, emotional or behavioral challenges. Certainly living with a disability or raising a child with significant challenges will introduce you to adversity soon enough. The topic of this blog relates to everyone, however, as all people face limitations and adversity of some kind. I especially hope that this blog will be passed on to children and adults with disabilities who may feel the odds are stacked against them compared to the world with which they interact.
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Parenting with Gentle Leadership

I have the distinct delight and frustration of having a grand-puppy. Her name is Grace and she is the most beautiful velvety brown Labrador Retriever/ Border Collie mix. I adore this dog, but her “puppyness” can also pose a definite challenge to my time and energy. Raising this puppy reminds me of so many lessons I learned while raising my own children. That may sound lame, but training a puppy is really not that unlike training a child– in some ways, at least. It is also similar to some of the lessons God has taught me. Let me elaborate.
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On Waiting and Timing

I apologize that it has been several days since I posted a blog. I am actually on vacation on the beautiful island of Kauaii. In this case, I would say that God’s timing of this vacation was perfect for my situation. If you are reading this post, you may have also read that the publisher of my book suddenly has gone out of business. This has left me in a lurch because my book was due to be released about a week ago. Not such great timing, at least from my perspective. Now I need to rethink just how to get this book on the market. It will happen, no doubt, but not within the time frame I expected.
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Our Most Dominant Thoughts

As we begin 2014, many people are making New Year’s resolutions. I don’t usually make a point of doing this, but If I were to choose a resolution for the new year, I think a most effective one would focus on monitoring my thoughts.

I have a quote on a sticky note on my desk. It says, “We tend to move in the direction of our most dominant thoughts.”

What do you think about this statement?
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Finding Joy in the Face of Sorrow and Disappointment

I admit it. Hearing about the accomplishments of friends and their children sometimes can make me feel sad. Especially at this time of year, whether the information comes from holiday letters, Facebook, or from personal conversation, it seems that a lot of talk centers around what people are doing with their time and life. For mothers of children with special needs, it can be difficult not to make comparisons among children and to feel disappointment. I usually feel sad in such situations, but some parents can feel pretty angry when parents talk too much about how well their children are doing. Evidence of this is the book and website called, “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid!”.
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Christmas- Autism Style: 10 Tips for Parents, Grandparents, Extended Family and Friends

Although most parents who have a young child with autism would love for their child to be able to fully participate in all of the holiday fun just like typical children, this is often not realistic. Many families have holiday traditions which are wonderful, but may not be fun or motivating to a child with autism. Here are a few ideas that might make the celebration more enjoyable for the young child with autism and his/her parents.

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On Autism and Thankfulness- Reaping the Rewards of Perseverance

I wrote this post a few years ago for a website called Autism Epicenter. In this season of thanksgiving, I thought it might be nice to repost. I hope you see it as an encouragement to persevere when times are tough– and to give thanks when thanks is due.

November 2010–We have been overwhelmingly blessed over the last year or two with reaping the rewards of excruciatingly hard work and perseverance over the previous years. Our daughter with autism is now 18 years old. I thought it might be nice to share some of those rewards with you because some are amazing considering where we started. Here are some of our beginnings, steps and rewards along the way:
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