Parenting with Gentle Leadership

I have the distinct delight and frustration of having a grand-puppy.  Her name is Grace and she is the most beautiful velvety brown Labrador Retriever/ Border Collie mix.  I adore this dog, but her “puppyness” can also pose a definite challenge to my time and energy.  Raising this puppy reminds me of so many lessons I learned while raising my own children.  That may sound lame, but training a puppy is really not that unlike training a child– in some ways, at least. It is also similar to some of the lessons God has taught me.  Let me elaborate.

Frequently, we take this happy girl on “training” walks down our country road.  She wears what is called a “gentle leader” on these walks to prevent her from choking herself in utter delight as she bolts with great enthusiasm from one smell to the next. ( It also prevents her from pulling our shoulders out of their sockets.)  She is in a very big hurry to see and smell everything that life has to offer– now!  This gentle leader looks like a bridle on a frisky pony (without the bit). It wraps around her nose and attaches to the leash under her chin. As a result, when Grace tries to pull ahead, the gentle leader pulls her nose down.  There is no pain associated with this this action, but it is not reinforcing because it does not get her where she thought she wanted to go.  It does, however, take the pressure off her neck and trachea, allowing her to walk on a leash without damaging her life-sustaining windpipe.

As helpful as this device is, Grace is not thrilled about it.  In her mind, it limits the freedom she could have to explore.  Every so often as we walk, she will throw herself on the grass and try in vain to rub that leader off of her nose.  She goes to dramatic extremes when she does this– rolling and flipping and shaking her head–expending all sorts of energy that could be used in other ways.  In reality, that leader gives her much more freedom than she realizes.  It allows us to take her on walks down the road, on community walking paths, and even into some retail stores where she can visit with people that she loves so much. Of course, she doesn’t know that this harness is one of her roads to freedom.  As her caretakers, we know it, however, and have to be consistent to keep it on her even when inconvenient.

We expect that Grace will be able to walk without her gentle leader one day as she learns to listen to our voice and heed our directions.  Human beings are so like puppies in this way.  We are wise if we learn early in life to listen to the voice of our parents and our God.  As parents, this is one of our biggest jobs, whether our child has social, emotional or behavioral challenges, or not. We need to apply gentle leadership when our children stray from the path.  It allows us all so much more freedom down the road.

Before the gentle leader came along, dog owners spent a lot of time yanking on leashes to keep their dogs in check. It was a harsh and painful process for both dog and owner.  Dogs did get trained, but it was hard to keep a positive attitude as you jerked that dog into position time after time.  I know because I took our first family dog many years ago to a dog training class that instituted the quick jerk on the leash as the primary means of controlling a walking dog.  When you tried that technique at home on a neighborhood walk, that very physical, somewhat violent method of training could put you over into anger if your dog did not respond.  There were no other training ideas given in that class– you just had to keep jerking– and maybe with more force the next time. I’m sure that method led some people to use more force than was helpful, safe or relationship-building with their dogs.

This is not to say that all the discipline we dole out as parents will be helpful or relationship-building in the short term.  Effective parenting is often a trial and error proposition.  We will make mistakes, but in the end, our goal is effectiveness and preservation of a healthy relationship with our children.   Sometimes we have to get seriously stubborn or tenacious to teach a child what is in their best interest to learn.  However, I learned well during my parenting years that unflinching but gentle leadership was most effective in teaching my children.  My husband and I learned that speaking and physical responses employed in a gentle manner  (even if we meant serious business!) was the best way for our children to learn.  It is not surprising that Jesus takes a gentle approach with His children, as well.  He gently shows us the best way to live as we read His Word and He guides us through His Spirit.  Matthew 11: 28-30 says this, “28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

If you know much about Christ, you know that His life was far from easy, but His burden was light because He trusted His heavenly Father.  Following Him means we are definitely on a yoke– we are guided in a direction –but the yoke is like a gentle leader. It is not harsh or violent, but effective.  When we try to push it off we wind up wasting a lot of energy we could have used elsewhere.  We can worry, be angry about our situation, and try other ways to push toward our felt need for freedom, but leaving on the yoke and trusting our Master, even when uncomfortable, will get us there so with so much less pain and wasted time.   

Let’s learn to follow our gentle Master and lead our children with the same gentleness.  Freedom awaits!  More later on what that looks like…

 

 

2 thoughts on “Parenting with Gentle Leadership

  1. I have often advised parents and teachers of the importance of consistency. Many styles of parenting or teaching will work, but constantly CHANGING from one to another will confuse children. (I’m sure it will confuse sweet puppies, also!) As an example, I once worked with a teacher who was not feeling well a lot of the time. On some days, she would let the children in her class almost “run wild,” while on other days she would yell at them and punish the smallest infractions of the rules. As a result, those children did not know what to expect, and responded by acting out most of the time. Hard as it is sometimes, consistency WILL pay off in the long run.

  2. Yes, I agree that consistency is a huge factor in a good long-term payoff. This topic could be an entire blog in itself! Thanks for your comment with this emphasis.

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