trusting God

Pray, Show up and Trust

parenting effortsAre your parenting efforts making a significant difference? How can you know? Spoiler Alert! –You can’t know!

Parenting is just like that.  You may be working on potty training, language skills, academics, or polite behavior.  You may research the best strategies, prepare and even get teaching “props” to enhance the learning.  But sometimes your kids don’t respond in the way you want. They don’t react like your friend’s child, or like the blog-post child, and they certainly don’t meet your expectations. Then what?

A recent experience reminds me of this issue.  I traveled out of state to present a workshop to encourage parents raising their children who had disabilities. I spent weeks trying to perfect the workshop. When the day came I began by introducing myself and asking the participants to do the same.  Their introductions through me for a loop!  The room was filled with loads of teachers and only a few were parents who had special-needs children. What? I am happy to speak to teachers– but I use a different presentation. That day I was ready to talk to parents and my preparation reflected it.

What to do?  I presented my material as planned and tried to tweak it with discussion (theirs and mine) in order to meet the needs of teachers.  However, this group was quiet, leaving me uncertain about whether my attempt was successful.

This is when experience saved my day:  

It told me just to teach to the best of my ability.

It told me that the participants were here for a reason because this event had been prayed over in advance.

Experience told me that God sometimes takes us by surprise and uses us in ways we don’t expect.

As a matter of fact, at the end of the day one woman told me she attended the workshop to get continuing education credits, but that she realized she was really there for her own personal encouragement.  She gained spiritual insight she didn’t know she even needed.

You might be doing something now on behalf of your child or some other situation in your family.  You may not be seeing the results you expected.

It’s okay. Take comfort in knowing that sometimes much is happening even though you can’t see it.

As I sit here blogging in a coffee shop, I just ran into a friend who is a women’s minister.  She told me that a group of moms in her church have been using my book, Persevering Parent, in their support group, and how much it has helped them. I had no idea about this group–and it’s been in progress for six months. Good things happen that are beyond our view.

Are you unsure if your efforts are making an impact?

Take heart and know that your efforts with your children are changing them little by little in ways unseen. The situation where you see no progress may be transitioning to an outcome that just has not been revealed to you yet.

In short, over 25 years of parenting, God has repeatedly taught me to do three things:  

1) pray about situations,

2) show up, and

3) trust Him with the rest.

In what ways are you discouraged?  Are you praying about it? Showing up?  Then trust God with the outcome!

“So do not throw away your confidence: it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what He has promised.”  Hebrews 10:35-36

Hopeful, Trusting, Confident and Calm

“Calm, assertive energy in the human –and calm, submissive energy in the dog”– that’s what Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, strives to create in his work with dogs and their families.  I’ve recently watched a few episodes of his Family Edition show and it’s been enlightening.  Surprisingly, when Cesar is called in to “rehabilitate” a dog, a common part of his process is to train the humans in the family to relax. Dogs are masters of reading body language and other cues indicating human emotion, and they respond accordingly.   Because of a dog’s social-behavioral “pack” mentality, changes in the psychological energy of the dog owners (“pack leaders”) affect their canine friends in fascinating and almost miraculous ways. A calm and assertive human almost always effects a positive change in dog behavior. I think, in a similar way, a calm and assertive parent usually brings about positive behavior in a child.

While this might seem like a blog about becoming a calm and assertive parent (which is a good goal)—it is really about growing as a hopeful and trusting parent. Let me explain. My children are young adults now, but when my oldest “pup” was young and showing signs of autism, I responded with anxiety, tenacious research, and problem solving.  As time passed with misdiagnoses, limited local resources and other stressors, my anxiety increased. I soon learned that autism is not a puzzle easily solved.  Helping my child was too big for me to negotiate in my own strength.

Like many parents of children with social, emotional or behavioral challenges, I looked for the perfect combinations of therapy, medication and specialized programs to give me a sense of peace and hope for my child’s future.  I never completely found it there because people, systems and medicine are constantly changing and are sometimes more helpful than others.  While I longed to trust that God would provide and care for my child, His provisions were not always on the time table or to the degree that I wanted. This fueled my doubt, worry and hopelessness—and led to a more intense striving for solutions and answers. By the time I learned to turn over the burden of these issues to God, I had already worked myself into a hopelessness and exhaustion that I didn’t see coming. Without hope and confidence in a rock solid foundation, it was impossible to feel internally calm.

I didn’t realize the significance at the time, but regaining hope was a key ingredient to my ability to parent with “calm, assertive energy”, as opposed to “frantic, anxious energy.” Like many of the dog owners on Cesar’s show, I was not even fully aware of my intense internal striving.  One day I felt the overwhelming burden, however, and turned it over to God, dropping on my knees to pray for myself and my family.  I admitted to God that the problems were too big for me, and I asked Him to take them over.  Right then and there, I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders and I knew with certainty that God and I were in this together.  I was not alone– and neither are you.

I wish I could honestly say that I never took those problems back as my burdens, but I have.  However, now I more quickly identify my useless striving, and more quickly lean on God again.  If you took an honest survey from my kids, I think they would tell you that most of the time, I exhibited the external behavior of a calm, assertive mother.  I was not the yelling sort, or a complete pushover (at least not most of the time.) However, as calm as I may have looked on the outside, I was often behaving like a duck—appearing to peacefully glide upon the water while my legs were paddling crazily underneath. I know they sensed my internal state even if neither of us could explain it, and it most certainly affected our lives.  When I was actively listening to God’s directions, I was able to relax and feel so much more internal confidence and peace as a parent.  I learned that many things will not will work according to my plans and timing, but I know that God is in control and that I can trust and hope in Him to lead “my pack”.

You may find yourself in a similar place with your child.  Your problem solving style may be different, but in all cases it is critical to learn to calmly and submissively trust our Father in Heaven. The results may be nothing short of miraculous—for the peace and calm of the entire family.

 

Lately, a hymn has been on my mind and part of the lyrics keep replaying themselves into my soul:

 

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ love and righteousness,

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus’ name,

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

 

I pray that you ask for and listen to God’s calm and assertive voice so that you might learn to trust, hope, and be confident and calm as a parent. It will make all the difference.

 

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3)