Plans for a Hope and a Future

Aside from ministry, my other job is as a professor of public health. Although I didn’t expect it to be a part of my teaching job, I realize that my graduate students and I are traveling together through a fascinating analogy of life. Right now, they are studying how to design programs to help people maintain or regain their health. They are trying to set up interventions that lead to positive outcomes. This requires that they have a scientific knowledge of health and of what motivates behavior. In real life, it also requires that they stay flexible and be willing to re-design as new knowledge or circumstances come into play. This last part is frustrating for students as they would like to see a clear scientific process from the beginning to the end of their goals. It would be nice to plan once and see everything follow as expected. However, plans require adjustment.

As the parent of a child with special-needs, I recall being frustrated in the same way. I studied my children, their strengths, weaknesses, struggles and stumbling blocks. I also studied pertinent research so I could put into place therapies or circumstances in which they could thrive, be healthy, learn and grow. This was good.

However, much to my dismay, 23 years of parenting taught me that reaching desired outcomes is not a scientifically predictable, linear process.

In contrast, the process can be ridiculously tangential, unpredictable and unscientific (at least from my point of view). Maybe the plan is perfectly executed according to God’s design, but at times it can seem like a cruel maze. We might be moving toward our destination and then something takes us back to the beginning or sticks us in some blind dead-end. But in my experience, someone or something would lead us out of that place and forward again. The beauty was that the someone or something was often an idea I would never have imagined. I learned to be flexible and to adjust.

There are good things in my children’s life that had little to do with following a scientific or perfectly executed plan.

They are things that happened in round-about, seemingly random ways– yet they created powerful outcomes. I learned that when my plan did not lead to the expected outcome, then God could execute His plan for my children.

Today’s lesson is this–if you find yourself stressing that you are not following the plans you made or that the plan is not working as expected, you can put that strain behind you.

God doesn’t need us to execute perfectly designed parenting blueprints for our child to reach desired outcomes.

Do the best you can and rest in the Biblical assurance that God is walking through life with your children. He can manipulate the most unexpected and unsavory path to reach a desired destination because His blueprint is perfect. As my graduate students are learning, flexibility and a mind open to new information aids the journey to positive end-points.

We don’t know the details of God’s plans for us or our children. That’s where faith comes in. However, Jeremiah 29:11 tells us about God’s intentions, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Answering Fear

A thief could be stalking you. The thief I’m speaking of won’t take your car or household treasures. This one tends to hunt down, steal and then destroy your joy and confidence. It’s insidious and it feeds on your response. This thief is fear.

Last week I blogged about how the “fear of men” can prevent us from living out God’s call on our life. It can stunt our social and emotional growth and disrupt the fulfillment of our and God’s dreams for us. It steals potential happiness before we can even sense its presence. It can also interfere with how we parent.

I certainly know how parenting a child with social, emotional or behavioral challenges can be fraught with fear. Taking care of any child is a serious endeavor, and one with special needs brings new and formidable tasks into our lives. It is understandable that when our child has autism, ADHD, bipolar, anxiety or other challenges, we can fear how others will interpret the social missteps, emotional reactions or behavior outbursts. The key is not letting this snare stop us in our tracks.

I struggled with this when my kids were young. There were some family activities we avoided because I feared the misunderstanding of others. My husband and I didn’t take our kids camping because we didn’t want to inconvenience other campers (and feel embarrassment) if our kids started to fight or experience a loud meltdown. We didn’t want our family to appear uncouth or for us to be regarded as bad parents. Bottom-line, we were afraid of the opinions of others.

Thankfully, not everyone responds like me. Recently I met a mom (Leanne) who has a young child with autism, but she refuses to let the opinion of others get in the way of enjoying time with her child. Proverbs 29:25 tells us that “fear of man will prove to be a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” This promise of safety includes spiritual and emotional well-being. Leanne knows she can’t please everyone, but she rests in the truth that she and her family are who and what God intended. Your family may be atypical, but know that God created each child in your family specifically for you to parent. We can be considerate of others, but balance that with the call to live life with our kids. Trust God to keep you emotionally strong as you practice facing uneducated opinion.

So how do you answer your fear? With action! Go ahead and go camping, skiing, boating, to church and to the movies. Your child may present you with some interesting challenges, but God will guide you through them and through the fear of what others might think. Have a short speech or pre-printed card ready for the challenging times, “Sorry, we’re working on that,” or “He/she has autism and this is a tough environment.” Or you may choose to ignore any disapproving glances, knowing that you and God are working on something bigger–imprisoning that thief and gaining joy and confidence in its place! You go, my friend!

Choosing a Year of No Fear

I had a dream recently that is typical for my unconscious nighttime adventures. I dreamt I was on a beach vacation with a group of family and friends, but was stressed out because we all had identical black suitcases and I was constantly confused about which was mine. I went from one to the other, certain I had found mine, only to reach in and discover that it was someone else’s. I was anxious to be missing my own belongings and worried that I would be unjustly accused of theft. Also, I was worried about how badly I needed a shower…

I know there are some particular anxieties revealed in this dream that might interest some psychotherapist, but, for today let’s focus on the feelings of anxiety in general. This dream reflects what God and I know about worry in my life. It has played a starring role too often. In response, God directed me to choose a theme for my year– the theme of No Fear. I rarely even make New Years Resolutions so choosing a theme for a year is a totally new experience for me, but it’s sorely needed. Others may not see fear as prominent in my life because I don’t always act based on these feelings, but God and I know I have to beat them down regularly.

As I write, I am cautious about using the word, “fear” because I have rarely had my life or safety threatened in a way that others may have experienced, and I don’t want to minimize those intense events. Worry or anxiety, however, has fear at it’s core. And fear, played out in our minds and bodies over time has a negative impact on our health and quality of life. Research demonstrates that it puts us at higher risk for cancer, auto-immune disorders and chronic inflammation and illness. More importantly, it is like a vice on your life. Over time, fear squeezes out joy and traps you in its dreary grip, making you feel like you will be in its forced service forever.

For parents of children with special needs, fear can be a daily occurrence. You may be afraid that your child with autism, who wanders out of your watchful eye, will run into danger. You may have a depressed child that you fear might harm him or herself when left alone. I worried about how my child would act at school and if she would face rejection. I was anxious about taking trips on an airplane lest I not return to raise my children. The list of potential worries in parenting are endless. And to top it off, I was afraid to stop being afraid because I thought that letting my guard down might lead to disaster.

If this sounds at all familiar, join me in living a Year with No Fear. In Isaiah 41:10, God tells us, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my mighty righteous hand. ” It is worth the risk to let go and let your guard down because God’s guard is always up! The magnificence of that will be the topic of another day. For now, let’s just make the commitment to stand against fear. It will be a struggle and I need accountability. Do you? Let’s help each other.

Hopeful, Trusting, Confident and Calm

“Calm, assertive energy in the human –and calm, submissive energy in the dog”– that’s what Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, strives to create in his work with dogs and their families. I’ve recently watched a few episodes of his Family Edition show and it’s been enlightening. Surprisingly, when Cesar is called in to “rehabilitate” a dog, a common part of his process is to train the humans in the family to relax. Dogs are masters of reading body language and other cues indicating human emotion, and they respond accordingly. Because of a dog’s social-behavioral “pack” mentality, changes in the psychological energy of the dog owners (“pack leaders”) affect their canine friends in fascinating and almost miraculous ways. A calm and assertive human almost always effects a positive change in dog behavior. I think, in a similar way, a calm and assertive parent usually brings about positive behavior in a child.

While this might seem like a blog about becoming a calm and assertive parent (which is a good goal)—it is really about growing as a hopeful and trusting parent. Let me explain. My children are young adults now, but when my oldest “pup” was young and showing signs of autism, I responded with anxiety, tenacious research, and problem solving. As time passed with misdiagnoses, limited local resources and other stressors, my anxiety increased. I soon learned that autism is not a puzzle easily solved. Helping my child was too big for me to negotiate in my own strength.

Like many parents of children with social, emotional or behavioral challenges, I looked for the perfect combinations of therapy, medication and specialized programs to give me a sense of peace and hope for my child’s future. I never completely found it there because people, systems and medicine are constantly changing and are sometimes more helpful than others. While I longed to trust that God would provide and care for my child, His provisions were not always on the time table or to the degree that I wanted. This fueled my doubt, worry and hopelessness—and led to a more intense striving for solutions and answers. By the time I learned to turn over the burden of these issues to God, I had already worked myself into a hopelessness and exhaustion that I didn’t see coming. Without hope and confidence in a rock solid foundation, it was impossible to feel internally calm.

I didn’t realize the significance at the time, but regaining hope was a key ingredient to my ability to parent with “calm, assertive energy”, as opposed to “frantic, anxious energy.” Like many of the dog owners on Cesar’s show, I was not even fully aware of my intense internal striving. One day I felt the overwhelming burden, however, and turned it over to God, dropping on my knees to pray for myself and my family. I admitted to God that the problems were too big for me, and I asked Him to take them over. Right then and there, I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders and I knew with certainty that God and I were in this together. I was not alone– and neither are you.

I wish I could honestly say that I never took those problems back as my burdens, but I have. However, now I more quickly identify my useless striving, and more quickly lean on God again. If you took an honest survey from my kids, I think they would tell you that most of the time, I exhibited the external behavior of a calm, assertive mother. I was not the yelling sort, or a complete pushover (at least not most of the time.) However, as calm as I may have looked on the outside, I was often behaving like a duck—appearing to peacefully glide upon the water while my legs were paddling crazily underneath. I know they sensed my internal state even if neither of us could explain it, and it most certainly affected our lives. When I was actively listening to God’s directions, I was able to relax and feel so much more internal confidence and peace as a parent. I learned that many things will not will work according to my plans and timing, but I know that God is in control and that I can trust and hope in Him to lead “my pack”.

You may find yourself in a similar place with your child. Your problem solving style may be different, but in all cases it is critical to learn to calmly and submissively trust our Father in Heaven. The results may be nothing short of miraculous—for the peace and calm of the entire family.

Lately, a hymn has been on my mind and part of the lyrics keep replaying themselves into my soul:

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ love and righteousness,

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus’ name,

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.”

I pray that you ask for and listen to God’s calm and assertive voice so that you might learn to trust, hope, and be confident and calm as a parent. It will make all the difference.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you” (Isaiah 26:3)