Depression, a Dog and a Difficult Grace

View More: http://mchambard.pass.us/love-your-pet-expoWhile I was gardening recently, our dog raced by me in her typical Secretariat sort-of way.  As the blades of grass bent in her wake, I smiled that we ended up with this amazing, energetic pup. Her name is Grace and she is the result of my daughter’s search for a “big mellow dog” to comfort her as she struggled with anxiety and depression as a teenager.  Ha!  Grace is a medium-sized, super-active lab/border collie mix who does not meet criteria as an ideal “therapy dog”. However, despite her father’s skepticism, Madeline heard God’s voice correctly that a dog would help her heal–and that this chocolate colored puppy was “the one”.

The “one” is happy, athletic, and needs an active job (preferably involving balls or swimming). The first six months with Grace almost overwhelmed our family. Madeline had puppy exhaustion on top of her chronic fatigue. As we stumbled through days with a brown puppy biting our heels and leaping over our furniture, we thought perhaps we had made a mistake. However, over the last two years Grace has miraculously shaped our daughter into a responsible, loving, disciplined and thoughtful young adult.  Madeline has joined two dog clubs (dock jumping and fly ball) to fulfill Grace’s needs. No longer severely anxious or depressed, the process of loving her dog fiercely has guided our daughter into going places and doing things that seemed impossible during that season.

As Grace sped by me in the yard that day, her energy reminded me that God gave Madeline what she needed instead of what she wanted.  Madeline wanted peace and comfort.  God offered responsibility and sacrifice.  Madeline wanted a cuddly pup.  God gave her an intense, active one. Often that’s the way He works.

 

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:31).

 

God often allows challenges in our lives because He intimately knows the benefits we reap through sacrificial love and responsibility. Out of His own fierce love, God took on the responsibility of the whole world and offered the sacrifice of His son for our benefit.  He understands our parental pain because He has been through it. Think on the reality of that for a moment.

What grace (favor) has God bestowed on you—perhaps disguised in the form of your child with difficulties? If you are struggling with a particular difficult energy or trait of your child, I challenge you to look for God’s gift hidden beneath the trial. It often comes to us against a background of struggle, so at first glance we may not recognize it–but it’s there.  God’s grace was in the challenges my children brought into my life (I have a daughter with autism, as well) but I couldn’t see it for a long time as the struggle clouded my vision.  I wanted ease and satisfaction. God’s grace offered me challenge and humility.

Now I see that this “difficult grace” taught me to engage in the essential things of life (love and service) and leave some less important (career) goals behind.  I also learned how much I need God on a day-to-day and moment-to-moment basis.  Most of the self-sufficiency that previously blinded my view of God’s priorities were stamped out in those doctor’s offices, IEP meetings, home-schooling adventures and in the routines of daily life.

As you think about your life and situation, consider the following:

  • What situation or person in your life requires sacrifice?
  • What difficult responsibilities are strengthening you to fully trust God’s provision?
  • Whom do you love so fiercely that you would stretch beyond your comfort zone to meet his/her needs?

Who and what are these people and situations? They are God’s covert messengers, intended to bring good into your life.  Be thankful for this amazing, difficult grace.

  

“Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved…” (John Newton, 1779)

“I Can’t Do This!” : Facing Your Limitations as a Special-Needs Parent

“I can’t do this!” I cried out to my mother, choking back the tears.  She had come across the country to visit the grandkids and give support to me, a struggling mom in a new community with no friends or family nearby.  This season was the beginning of my journey raising my daughter Katie, who was showing the first signs of autism.  I also had a newborn daughter who was limiting my sleep and gobbling up any extra energy I might have used to cope with the situation.  For me, this was a season of grief, intense learning, and attempts to immerse Katie in structured play, learning activities and conversation for most hours of the day.  I was committed to doing all I could to give Katie the best chance possible for a fulfilling life.  This was admirable, but I was afraid of failure and held myself to unrealistic standards.  As I tried to be the perfect mother/therapist, I found myself engaging in self-condemnation and guilt for not having the “right” personality or temperament when Katie needed them.  For example, I bashed myself for not being playful enough when she was a pre-schooler, and not being tough enough when she was an adolescent.  Of course, there were many things I did well on behalf of my child, but I overlooked them in the quest to stamp out my weaknesses.

What I needed–and perhaps what you need– is to remember that God blesses people in spite of human weakness and insecurity, and that He provides help in areas where we need it.  You may be battling with a child who is depressed, anxious, or exhibiting behavior that you cannot control.  It is easy to feel inadequate in these situations.  It helps me to look to Biblical examples to see God’s provisions for people who felt the same. For example, Moses and Gideon both felt completely inadequate for the jobs God designed for them (see Exodus 4 and Judges 6), but God did not excuse them from their calling—instead He sent technical and moral support (Aaron and Purah) to help.  At other times, God actually decreased tangible supports (as He did in decreasing the size of Gideon’s army), but worked out His purposes in miraculous ways, showing divine strength in spite of unfavorable conditions.

Over time, I learned from these Bible characters to hand over my weaknesses to God and to ask Him for the strength and wisdom to raise my children.  He has answered this request, but He also taught me to drop my guilt and to accept my imperfections (not my sins, mind you, but my personal limitations).  In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul writes about something similar. He tells us that God would not take away the “thorn” that plagued him, but instead told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”  Not only does God fill in the gaps of our insufficiency but His light shines more brightly because of our weaknesses.  It’s ok—God has got this!

God also reminded me in Ephesians 2:10 that He created me—and you—“to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  He is not surprised at our weaknesses and how they are highlighted in certain situations as we raise our children.  Just because the task we face is difficult does not mean that God did not ordain it for us. In fact, God has made a habit of asking his people to do things that seem impossible because it is then that his power is most evident.

I remember myself as a brand new mom of my first baby (Katie), and how the weight of responsibility hit me for the first time as I held her in my arms.  I recall praying fervently, “God, please make me a godly mother”.  Over the years, I did grow as a godly parent, and facing challenges as a special-needs parent was a primary means through which God honed my ability to parent in a godly way.  The more desperate I became as a special-needs parent, the more He taught me about what is important in His eyes.  He reminded me that He expects me and my children to “love mercy, act justly and to walk humbly” with Him (Micah 6:8).  Never has He suggested that a college education or earthly success are His priorities for my children, so I do not need to beat myself up if my kids do not live up to these standards.  Instead, He taught me that He values gentleness, kindness, peace and love as these are characteristics of Jesus that we are to represent to the world (2 Corinthians 5:20).  If not for the lessons learned as a special-needs parent, who knows how long it would have taken me to integrate these lessons into my personality and priorities?

As you face difficult situations in parenting your child with social, emotional or behavioral challenges or disabilities, remember that none of this is a surprise to God and that He has a plan and purpose for you and your child as you struggle.  Your limited ability to help your child is not a stumbling block to the purposes He holds for him or her.  I love how (in Judges 6:12) the angel of the Lord shouted out the potential He saw in Gideon although Gideon was weak in the eyes of the world.  The angel called him “mighty warrior” to Gideon’s great surprise.  God realizes the potential in us that we cannot always see. So do the best you can, but know that God can more than overcome any limitation you have as a parent. Your weaknesses can actually be wonderful tools in God’s hands when you face the challenges He gives you.

 

The Blessing of Broken: Keeping Christmas Bright When Your Child Has Social, Emotional or Behavioral Challenges

The hustle of the holiday season has arrived. While festive decorations, sweet treats and images of Santa Claus are exciting for most children, holidays can be difficult for kids who struggle with social, emotional or behavioral challenges.  One year, my five-year-old was anxious that Santa Claus– whom she identified as a stranger she had only met once at the mall—was coming into our house on Christmas night.  She couldn’t sleep until we reassured her that we would not allow him in that year.

santa-and-sad-child

For kids who are anxious, many things about the holidays can be uncomfortable–the details of holiday travel, altered schedules, and even attention from infrequently-seen relatives.  Kids who struggle with attention deficit or hyperactivity may feel under- or over-stimulated and act out during holiday activities. Long lines at stores or waiting to open gifts may trigger impatience. For children with shifting levels of energy and mood such as in bipolar disorder or depression, the expectations of family members may be difficult to meet as the appropriate mood may not always coincide with the timing of the holiday event.

A child’s emotional challenges stress their parents during holiday events, as well.  Moms and dads who normally accommodate their child’s differences feel conflicted as they balance their child’s needs with expectations of extended family or friends.  The pressure of others’ expectations can tempt parents to push their child past known comfort levels, triggering meltdowns or emotional crises.

Here are a few guidelines for parents that may help keep peace and joy during the season:

  • Pay attention, adjust, and educate.  Note what specifically bothers your child and adjust- even in the face of peer or family pressure. It is reasonable to urge and expect a child to push past some discomfort (we all need to do this) but if a holiday activity continually triggers major distress, you may need to modify it for the sake of mental health in your family. I know this can be hard. In my family, after many years of traveling to visit both sets of families at Christmas, we decided to slow the pace and do alternating visits.  It involved some awkward moments and uncomfortable education of family members, but was worth the effort.
  • Know that it is okay to skip, postpone, or modify a holiday tradition.  The best traditions exist to serve families by providing moments of reflection over cherished beliefs or values.  If we start to rigidly serve traditions instead, they can become burdensome and steal our joy. While it may initially be disappointing to modify beloved family traditions, you will find that new ones that “fit” your family’s needs will serve you better in the long run.  Stable kids are the best gift to parents during the holidays, and parents who learn to be flexible and realistic are blessings to their children.
  • Consider the environment.  For many kids, planning activities that are “abbreviated” and less formal makes it easier for them to emotionally and behaviorally adjust.  Anxious, depressed or irritable kids may balk at over-stimulation, so it may help to separate big events like dinner, gift-giving, and tree-trimming onto different days.  It may help to open a few gifts each day over a couple of days rather than doing it all in one sitting.  Events with long waiting times can be problematic for children with limited attention span, so cancel or plan those events to keep waiting at a minimum.
  • Maintain a semi-normal routine when possible.  Most children feel more comfortable when they can eat some familiar foods, wear preferred and comfortable clothing, and have breaks which “normalize” an abnormal day.  Post a visual schedule of upcoming activities and talk to your child ahead of time so they know what to expect during a holiday gathering.
  • Shift personal expectations about what the holidays should look like.  Many people grow up with visions of what a “perfect” Christmas should be, with the right food, decorations, and a smiling brood of children.  Even when we make modifications for our kids, families of children with mental illness learn the fault in this ideal when a happy event turns into a crisis within moments.  My family experienced a reality check one year when my daughter got into a major altercation with another child right before our Christmas celebration.  The magic of the evening was dampened, but I came to accept that “life happens” on every day of the year—even on holidays–and that it was really okay.

Finally, as you experience your own holiday blurps, know that God specializes in bringing beauty from even the worst situations in our lives.

Our holiday blunders helped me realize that the normal extravaganza of previous Christmas’s actually got in the way of celebrating Jesus’ birth because we had a tendency to be distracted by gifts, decorations, food or family traditions.

As the external festivities became more stressful, I was able to more clearly grasp the true gift of Christmas– Jesus came to earth to restore lost peace and life to people living in a broken world– including to my “broken” family.  I missed this message until I felt crushed enough to see it.  

Our difficult holidays led me to refocus on God’s best gifts– eternal life (John 3:16), love (John 15:11), joy (Ephesians 3:18-19), and peace (John 16:33).

This true meaning of Christmas is beautiful!  I have a brand new joy for the season! Keeping this perspective can keep your holidays bright through many blunders.